BROKEN FRIENDSHIPS

Yesterday, after a forced 6 minutes and 51 seconds of conversation with who used to be one of my closest friends and now an acquaintance, I learned that somethings aren’t just supposed to grow close again. Now, by “somethings” I mean friendships.

My friend and I used to talk for long hours nonstop. Time has passed and it seems we have both changed and while it is a pity to have lost the future of what our friendship could have been, I can acknowledge how much I have gained from this lost friendship. Life is messy and this was how I made my life decision right.

It is easy to define yourself when you are surrounded by people. But do you know who you are when the lights comes off, people leave, and you are home all by yourself with your thoughts? Discovering that self was somewhat scary at first. However, now I feel way more comfortable being alone, while before I associated being alone with loneliness. Also, I have learned to appreciate people more to be less judgmental and to accept that others’ lives are messy and entangled too. I appreciate more every other friendship and invest the effort of not giving them into my own oblivion.

Of course, with a separation of friendships and growing apart comes nostalgia and sadness. Once one friend is gone you discover a whole new support system that works amazing…yourself, your rationality and common sense. It is not until when you work through your feelings and emotions when you are allowing for new life events to leave an emotional scent in your memories.

As much as I cherish our memories together, I recognize how much this broken friendship has made me think about who I am and who I want to be, grow as human being and discover where I want and look forward to go next.

Losing a relationship always hurts, but if I were to go back time, I will do the same all over again. The reason is simple. Without this broken relationship, the Fangning of today might have never existed. Had we kept our friendship, I might have become a different person, and not necessary a bad one. But, I really like the human being I am now and as result I wouldn’t trade it regardless.

In short, “It is not about making the right decision but rather about making the decision right”- Omid Scheybani

Give it a little thought and you may allow some light of brightness in past memories. “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

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A LETTER TO MY LITTLE BROTHER

Hey brother,

We’ve known each other for the better part of 13 years. You’re growing up quicker than I ever would have imagined and I’m having trouble wrapping my head around the fact that you’re a 7th grader and you’re going to get into a cadet college. I know that right now September is far off, you’re just focused on putting one foot in front of the other. When the nerves, fear, and excitement start to sink in, it may overwhelm you.
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It hit me the other day as I was about to cross the stage that you and I are both jumping headfirst into transformative times in our lives. I’ve graduated, and you’re about to leave home for the first time. These are big steps to take and I’m sure there will be bumps in the road.

I’m your elder sister, and I’ll always be overly protective (I think that’s natural). There’s a lot of terrible things I wish I could shield you from; bad group projects, having 5 exams in a week and letting go of the friendships that you didn’t think would fade. All of these things hurt in their own ways, but there’s value in them all the same. They’ll test your limits and make you want to run behind the walls you’ve learned to build up.

Some unsolicited advice; take all of these bad things as learning opportunities. Don’t ever beat yourself up over the things that hurt you, but don’t shut them out either. Never feel like you have to hide your emotions, but at the same time, don’t let them drag you down. People smarter than me have said it a million different ways.

It’s the tough times that spur the most personal growth.

I also want to make something incredibly clear. You are not defined by your grades. I couldn’t tell you what I got in 12th grade Physics, and there’s a damn good reason for that; it simply doesn’t matter. As far as I’m concerned, grading schemes are devised as part of a system that is incredibly out of touch with what the world actually needs from its youth. When was the last time you heard an “adult” brag about their high school average or university GPA. Never.

The value of your education is not going to be the receipt you frame and hang on the wall at the finish line. The real value of your education will be in the people you meet. So relish the hangouts you’re going to have with your friends and the professor that actually knows you by name. Soak everything in, get in the habit of learning something new from everyone you meet.

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This world has a ton to offer creative people, and you’re one of the most creative people I know. Run with it and face the challenges to come with your unrelenting passion. Don’t ever let troubles keep you from holding your head high.

You’ll always be my little brother, but that doesn’t mean we’re not on even ground. Frankly we’re both heading into uncharted territory, so let’s face this together.

Love always,
Komal


Retrospect

Over a Cup of Tea

It took me a very long while to post it. Maybe because I didn’t want to face the reality or maybe I needed more time to collect myself. Anyway.
I love self-analysis. I love sitting along the old window’s rusted pane, looking over the past & getting hit hardly by regrets, well mostly.

This time it has been particularly different. Just a few days into it and I have already realized that 22 is a very fascinating age. I am a very giving person. I do not know how to play the chummy card. If you are known to me even in the slightest of ways and life hits you hard; I will be there for you. No matter if you are an old enemy or a rival; if you are at your lowest, you will find me beside you. This year, it has been particularly a very different experience…

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Venting It Out

roller coaster rides

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You have to let your feelings out. You have to vent them out and you must find a way. Open up to a soul friend. Scream yourself out in the middle of the day in your room, cry out, cry as much as you can, even if you start hiccuping but do it. Shout or yell, spread yourself out on the bed under the blanket and sob in your pillow. But do it. Write it out, in a blog or in a personal diary, keep a journal or write poems, draw it away.

But love, please don’t keep your feelings locked up inside. I beg you to release them. Keeping them bottled will just harden you and close your heart. The feelings will keep mounting and soon you will have a volcano burning up inside that won’t find a way out. That’s how demons are made. That’s how monsters from…

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A Different Kind of Heartache.

Truth be told, I’ve never been in love. Yet it’s 2:07 a.m. Again. And I can’t stop thinking about you. For never having been in love, you sure taught me about heartache

I have always known that my heart would be broken — its inherently human. However, I was naive and blindsided to the idea that an aching heart of one who has lost a lover could be produced by never having loved at all.

Here’s a warning to all the ladies (and lads) out there. You will be in love one day. That’s true. It might in end in roses, but you also might leave with your heart irrevocably shattered. If the media has one thing right, this is it.

You’ll also meet your false love, or what I like to call the ‘never-love.’ He will sound like folk rock, smell like summer rain, and look like pine trees at midnight. You will say you love each other. Later you will recognize those words were said in a moment of awkward youth and weakness. A constant feeling of restlessness will permeate your relationship.

Fast forward. A handful of years down the road you will realize love is far deeper than three syllables. It took you long enough, but you finally woke up to the churning ocean that was always present, rocking the boat of your relationship. You will each part ways. All will be merry and well.

Right? Because that’s exactly how it should go. If you were never in love in the first place no slivers of glass should be crushed beneath your feet. For some reason though, little pools of blood form as you attempt to move forward. Every step aggravates the glass digging into your skin, and you are forced to face the reality that every step forward is really a step backward. You sit down. Pause. Pick out the glass, mend the wounds. Nothing seems to make sense anymore.

It is the never-love curse. A different kind of heartache. It manifests in a variety of ways; insomnia, self-criticism, shoddy vulnerability, a complete 360 change in your taste of music. The first few months will be plagued by the occassional desire to never leave your bed and thoughts surrounding the big question: ‘what the hell was that?’

Depending on who you are, moving forward from the never-love will look similair to a 12-step program, or the recovery from true love heartbreak. This may include: a drastic haircut, too many drinks one night, forming a deep bond with your laptop, withdrawl from what you love, yo-yo workout plans.

While the symptoms of the never-love heartache will not be dissimilar to true heartbreak there is a difference. It lies in the ache of your heart for the love you wish it had been. The pain is arguably more intolerable because love was never present in the first place.

The good news is this: the 2 a.m. nights will subside, that haircut will grow on you (and maybe become your signature look), you will regain new friendships, and return to your passions with a new kind of fury. Never falling in love will teach you about the veracity of emotions, not the shallowness of what you think you know.

There will be worse 2:07’s, better 2:07’s, stronger 2:07’s. Despite how many nights you are greeted by those three numbers, you’ll know that the never-love heartache was worthwhile because you know more about the brevity of love by never having experienced it at all.

SADNESS.

You don’t know why. You can’t explain or articulate it. You’re just sad.
You feel it start to wash over you like a massive wave breaking directly on your head.

You’re sad. Even worse, you have no idea why you’re sad, so in addition to the sadness, there’s also a helplessness because you can’t explain it. You look for reasons or causes, but find none. You try to pinpoint it, but it remains elusive. There’s no logic behind it. But it’s there. You don’t dare tell anyone because they’ll first ask why and, when you don’t have an answer, they’ll tell you to cheer up. Some may even list all of the reasons why you shouldn’t be sad.

They obviously don’t understand.

If it were a lack of money or food or love, you would know it and at least try to rectify it. Instead, it’s frustrating because you feel like you should be grateful for what you do have — “There are a lot of people much worse off than you!” many parents have announced — and instead you’re depressed for no reason. Tough love doesn’t help. A person telling you to snap out of it only pushes you deeper into your funk because it’s not a conscious decision. You’re not feeling this way on purpose. It’s not like you want to be this way. You don’t know what caused it and so you don’t know what will cure it. No matter what you try, nothing works. The things that bring you joy — and usually bring you out of your funk — hold no interest to you. You don’t want to listen to your favorite songs. You don’t want to watch your favorite movies. You don’t want to respond to calls or texts or emails. You don’t even feel like taking a walk let alone going to the gym. You don’t know what you want to do, you just know what you don’t want to do, which feels like everything.

You know that it’s a phase, one we all go through, and that the only medicine is time. That’s comforting, at least for a moment or two. After all, this too shall pass.

Eventually.

22 LESSONS I LEARNED BEFORE TURNING 20.

1. Jerks are jerks and good people are good people; and only on the very rare occasion does one become the other.

2. Your heart is right 50 to 75 percent of the time. Your gut is right 100 percent of the time.

3. Everything you own should be something you either love dearly or use yearly.

4. Karma is a bitch when you are. No exceptions.

5. Everyone is in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime and 95 percent of people fall into the first two categories.

6. You will know true love on the outside, when you know true love on the inside.

7. You will never regret working less and traveling more. You will likely regret working more and traveling less.

8. If it doesn’t feel right, it isn’t right.

9. The universe gives you three choices:

Change course when it taps you on the shoulder to tell you to go the other way;

Change course when it is tired of tapping you on the shoulder, grabs you by both shoulders and shakes you to tell you to go the other way;

Change course when it is tired of shaking you, pulls out the baseball bat and starts pummeling you, leaving you with no choice but to go the other way.

10. What you know will never be as important as who you know.

11. ‘Someday’ is today.

12. When you say you, “don’t know what to do,” the vast majority of time you actually do know what to do – you just don’t like the answer.

13. Silence is violence, yet words can kill. Be vigilant in both regards.

16. Neither luck nor money have very much to do with your ability to travel.

17. One day will be the last day for you and everyone you love. That day has snuck up on a lot of people. Act accordingly.

18. When you don’t know what to say, you must say something. Even if it is, “I don’t know what to say.”

19. Any email in your outbox that could alter the course of your life by arriving in someone else’s inbox needs to sit in ‘drafts’ for five days before hitting send. No exceptions.

20. Everyone has a story that would blow your f’n mind. No exceptions.

21. Momentum is a universal force you can control. Every day you choose whether it will pull you further backwards or push you forward.

22. You can’t out crazy, crazy, but hopefully you can out run it.