A Different Kind of Heartache.

Truth be told, I’ve never been in love. Yet it’s 2:07 a.m. Again. And I can’t stop thinking about you. For never having been in love, you sure taught me about heartache

I have always known that my heart would be broken — its inherently human. However, I was naive and blindsided to the idea that an aching heart of one who has lost a lover could be produced by never having loved at all.

Here’s a warning to all the ladies (and lads) out there. You will be in love one day. That’s true. It might in end in roses, but you also might leave with your heart irrevocably shattered. If the media has one thing right, this is it.

You’ll also meet your false love, or what I like to call the ‘never-love.’ He will sound like folk rock, smell like summer rain, and look like pine trees at midnight. You will say you love each other. Later you will recognize those words were said in a moment of awkward youth and weakness. A constant feeling of restlessness will permeate your relationship.

Fast forward. A handful of years down the road you will realize love is far deeper than three syllables. It took you long enough, but you finally woke up to the churning ocean that was always present, rocking the boat of your relationship. You will each part ways. All will be merry and well.

Right? Because that’s exactly how it should go. If you were never in love in the first place no slivers of glass should be crushed beneath your feet. For some reason though, little pools of blood form as you attempt to move forward. Every step aggravates the glass digging into your skin, and you are forced to face the reality that every step forward is really a step backward. You sit down. Pause. Pick out the glass, mend the wounds. Nothing seems to make sense anymore.

It is the never-love curse. A different kind of heartache. It manifests in a variety of ways; insomnia, self-criticism, shoddy vulnerability, a complete 360 change in your taste of music. The first few months will be plagued by the occassional desire to never leave your bed and thoughts surrounding the big question: ‘what the hell was that?’

Depending on who you are, moving forward from the never-love will look similair to a 12-step program, or the recovery from true love heartbreak. This may include: a drastic haircut, too many drinks one night, forming a deep bond with your laptop, withdrawl from what you love, yo-yo workout plans.

While the symptoms of the never-love heartache will not be dissimilar to true heartbreak there is a difference. It lies in the ache of your heart for the love you wish it had been. The pain is arguably more intolerable because love was never present in the first place.

The good news is this: the 2 a.m. nights will subside, that haircut will grow on you (and maybe become your signature look), you will regain new friendships, and return to your passions with a new kind of fury. Never falling in love will teach you about the veracity of emotions, not the shallowness of what you think you know.

There will be worse 2:07’s, better 2:07’s, stronger 2:07’s. Despite how many nights you are greeted by those three numbers, you’ll know that the never-love heartache was worthwhile because you know more about the brevity of love by never having experienced it at all.

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3 Comments

  1. Ah. The pain of being hurt. The advice. The heart-wrenching words. Amazing honest post. Love may give you pain but it makes you strong in the end.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. For love has been there before we existed, will be there after we have passed away. It’s said, everyone you have a bond with will ultimately hurt you, but you just need to make sure you have some one worth suffering for.

    I always feel, love and pain are exponential, former grows with later, and later grows with former. For if it was not true, God’s tests for beloveds would have been easier.

    Liked by 1 person

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